Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I lied.

We still haven't been cancelled by Birmingham, so it looks like our appointment is going ahead this time. (Although I suppose there's still the option of a really, really last-minute postponement again...)
Do you remember a couple of posts ago, I said that now the Fontan is kind of a fait accompli, I wasn't that stressed about it any more?
Well, I lied.
Just for the record, now that we're likely to be heading back to Brum again soon, to start the ball rolling, I am really rather anxious about the whole thing.
I am scared stiff that they're going to see us this week, smile, and say: 'Oh yes, Charlie looks like he's doing really well... we'll see you in a fortnight for his Fontan'.
I know that we've been expecting this.
I know better than anyone that this day has been looming since before Chas was even born. I wasn't even half way through my pregnancy with him when I knew that I'd have to offer up my four/five/six-year old for another round of open-heart surgery.
To know that not only would we have to live through another time of tension, fear and outright terror, but to know that we would have to put our bright, happy, lively, carefree son through pain, fear and considerable risk.
And believe me when I say that not a day - not one, single, solitary day - of Charlie's life has gone by without that knowledge weighing heavily on me.
Yes, we put it to the back of our minds, we live happily in a state of denial, but it is ALWAYS there. Always.
And now it is so close.
I've had more than six years to get my head around it, and I'm still not ready.
If they tell me it'll be April, or May, that's ok.
But not February.
Not now.
Not yet.


sandra said...

thinking of you all and hoping you get april at the earliest

The Cryer Family said...

You're in our thoughts and prayers xxx

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Wow, what a story Charlie has!! An absolute miracle boy!