Afraid.

It's very late. I'm very tired and I'm lying in bed, but sleep just won't come.
My mind just won't switch off.
I've tried to avoid confronting how frightened I am about Charlie's surgery - I'm staying so busy - cleaning, making lists, buying supplies for hospital, organising all the things that I might not be able to do if we're in for a while.
But eventually I have to stop.
And then the fear really kicks in.
Don't think I'm not being positive - I am. I'm hopeful that Charlie will be fine. He's fit, strong and in the best physical and mental state he could possibly be before surgery.
But this is still a major operation. His heart will be stopped and he'll be put on bypass.
He'll go skipping into theatre in his Dr Who slippers, and come out on a ventilator.
The anticipation and constant mental playing and re-playing of every possible scenario is hideous.
This is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.
And I am so afraid.

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